THE BEST JOKES

Jokes are a dime a dozen in email land, but some jokes just have to be saved and shared.  Here are the Best of the Best.

See also the Kitties Page for cat jokes.  Last updated 7/18/04.

Check out my Fuller Brush business too:

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- ROLAND RHOADES, FULLER BRUSH DWT

Dear Abby,

I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love." It offered advice to grandparents with respect to misbehaving grandchildren whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating the technique I employ on my grandson when he just won't behave. His parents do not allow me to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.

Sincerely,  Tough Love Grandpa  

Who says men don't remember anniversaries?  We can be sentimental too.

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.  She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him.  She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". 
The husband looked up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.  The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.  "Yes I do" she replies.  The husband paused.  The words were not coming easily.  "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. 
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

CLOCKS IN HEAVEN

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"  
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." 
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." 
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." 
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.  "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Blondestar2004.mp3  For when blondes have car problems.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said, "You canít be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then youíre not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I canít kill my wife." The agent replies, "You donít have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the womanís turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didnít tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him." God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"